A Plan to Make NBA Players Happy

The upcoming negotiations between the players and owners will lead to a lockout. They are far apart on almost all the details. I have come up with a plan that should make the players ecstatic. Most owners would probably approve. A lot of fans will love it too. Well, not all of them. Here are my ideas.

1. Contract 5 teams. My plan requires only 25 teams. There will be more star players to spread around. It doesn't really matter what teams they are but they will be small market of course, because no one cares about them. TV matters, and big markets matter.

2. Move 5 teams to each of the following 5 cities. New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami and Dallas. Let's face it, these are the only cities a superstar wants to play in. That is what matters most. If these guys aren't happy, they aren't going to play hard. Miami will have a hard time supporting 5 teams, but the schedule will make sure only one of the five is playing at home on any given day. South Beach and no state taxes are the real reason they make the cut.

3. Raise ticket prices across the board. Remove the upper deck seats in the arenas. This way only rich and famous people will be able to go to the actual games. NBA players get hyped up to play in front of these crowds. They don't care about families or little kids wearing their jerseys unless they are their own. Gorgeous groupies are allowed as well. Crowd noise can be pumped in.

4. Only former players can be coaches. The players need to be able to relate to their coach. They have a hard time listening anyway, so at least they would know the coach understands what they are going through.

5. Raise the salary cap. The players are the ones everyone comes to see. Their names are on the backs of the jersey's that kids beg their parents to buy. Families of players have to eat.